Help! I’m fast becoming a mistress!!

Told him the umpteenth time I am not interested, but he persists

I have asked him to stop calling me on the phone

No more house calls, I have screamed in the most offensive tone I could garner

Flinged his gifts at him on many occasions

I’ve even pulled the wife card – I’d call and tell, I have threatened many a-times

Yet that changes nothing

It’s like yelling at a mountain, an inanimate object, one that can’t hear your overly modulated pitch or feel the rage you so perfectly express or the irritation you so hastily dish out in response to his sweet nothings

Rather than walking away and ending this fiasco, he’s calm, patient, taking all the shit thrown at him and still singing the same song!

He’s in love with me. Crazy about me. How does that work with a wife and 4-year-old twin boys?? I’m not just about the sex he says. What I feel for you is deeper than that. I have nursed this feeling for months and tried to deal with it, but the feelings wouldn’t budge. Instead I crave more and more for you each time I see you. We can get married.

Married?? How can he mention marriage??Me, a second wife?? No! I definitely don’t want that.

Besides, I’m Christian. That’s definitely against my Christian values. Christian; Christ-like. Christ sure didn’t go about kissing and cuddling illicitly. He had no ‘secret’ life/affairs. All he did, he could air in the public without shame. How do I publicly declare my ‘boyfriend’ is married??That’s not light-shining –there’s absolutely no good works there

I must confess the attention is endearing, his words soothing, his touch soft and his smiles….priceless. Aargh! If only he were not married. Not a father. If only…

At this point, I don’t trust myself – that’s why I write.

I write knowing that after I have published this, I am accountable not only to my conscience but also to many others, including You!

The Guilt Aftertaste

A beautiful piece written by a friend (Youths Alive

You look so nice, so fine,
Your taste, like fine wine,
You are the envy of the crowd,
Anyone would love to make you theirs
I would too, oh yes I really would
The only problem is this,
I am in love with someone else.

Now if I were single and searching, that would be the word on my lips each time I walk the streets and meet a fine young woman. You are fine, yes, beautiful, classy, all the lovely names you call women of this time and age (the good ones). However my interest in them would be directly proportional to my capacity to have more than one person in my heart. We would talk, laugh, hang out, have fun, but there would be a line through all this, that if I dare cross would leave me with feelings so guilty, they would suppress anything else.

Now let us leave the streets and let us meet, let us tell tales of you and me, come let us reason together and bare heart and mind in ways we have not before. Now if you have ever woken up in the morning having in your heart and mind the thought that if only I had stayed back, if only I hadn’t gone out, things would have been a lot different. Made a decision, not a decision that takes you through a series of bad events, but a decision that leaves a bad taste in your mouth, then you know exactly what I am talking about here, “the guilty after taste”. I did a lot during my years in school but because of a decision I made as a teen, all my experiences always left a bad taste, a feeling of regret. I made a decision to love Someone with all my heart, my soul and my strength and anything I did that was contrary to my love, left me with a feeling of sadness, emptiness, pain. You call it, I felt it. The same feeling that made Adam go into hiding, the same feeling that hit David every time the realization hit him of going astray. The same feeling that hit Simon Peter right after the third cock-crow, the feeling that hit Judas just before he hung himself.

So there you have it, I hang out with friends and we have fun and we laugh and then we go home and all is fine with me, but if I take anything having a percentage with it, I feel awful the next day, not physically but emotionally. I see a girl looking really fine, if I walk up to her having or harboring thoughts, if I try to get with her, I wake up the next morning feeling awful. Some call it conscience, this guilt, some try to bury it in alcohol, drugs and many different activities that are but a poor imitation of the true feeling and they fail, when they fail they try to wave the feeling off. Not because they do not try hard enough, but because really you cannot fill the void left by someone who is everything to you, your all in all. No amount of alcohol, drugs or fun can fill that space, if anything it makes the hole even bigger, so they spend their life wasting away, in pursuit of something that simply is unattainable.

Now some people say kill the conscience, but then I don’t truly believe your conscience truly dies, just like I do not believe that bitter taste can go away, no matter how much sweet stuff you drink,, but then that is my belief not yours. I also believe that if you truly loved, no matter what happens, that love still remains, it may become dusty, it may fade a bit, but it ever remains. Look at it this way, there are two kinds of lost sheep, the ones that get lost and the ones that set out with purpose on a journey. With the first, circumstance leads them astray, they get that guilty after taste almost everyday and the shepherd is ever searching and looking for ways to bring them back to the fold, that is the first kind. With the second kind, leaving the fold with purpose, tries to fill up the void, sweetens his mouth and heart with the good things of life and tries to kill the conscience. For this second kind, if this is you, there is still hope.

Come back to your first love, remember the days gone by that were so sweet. Did it not mean something to you? Come back to your first love, ever waiting, ever ready to receive you. Come back to your love.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39